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 Head Lice Problem?


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Why do alcohlics make love ones feel like ____? Do they get pleasure out of hurting people?

Being the wife of a recovering alcholic, it isn't always their intention to hurt their loved ones, but part of the disease. It's like the alcohol clouds their judgement and control and it tends to be the ones that love them most that it affects. In my situation, I began to feel like more of a mistress than a wife, never really knowing when he would have time for me. Unlike many alcoholics, my husband knew he was an alcoholic and struggled most of his life to conquer his disease- so far, so good. I think sometimes they hurt their loved ones because they want to get help and are hurting themselves, or just don't know how to ask for it, or they are in denial that they have a disease, that like cancer can destroy their body and/or kill them. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes they hurt others because they are hurting themselves. Patience can pay off in the long one.

Speaking as the child of two alcoholics, it is because the booze makes them only care about the booze and nothing else. They can't see past the bottle. They don't care if they are hurting themselves or their loved ones. Often they will say hurtful things to their families when confronted because they want to turn the attention away from themselves. They don't want people to focus on the alcoholism, they want you to focus on their words. It is always helpful to talk to people who have been there, so I would suggest Alanon meetings. And don't let them drag you down with them.

Alcohol selectively suppresses (gaba-ergic) inhibitory networks in the brain, resulting in unfiltered expression of aggressive impulses.

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la bufanda
they don't do it on purpose. they'r either drunk or has a gigantic hangover and you wouldn't be so great if you had either of those

I don't think they are trying to hurt you but really they are and i don't think they realize that they are hurting you. Try going to alanon sometimes that helps.

that's exactly why i went to A.A.,could'nt deal with the way i was hurting my loved ones with my big mouth.life is so much better now.Maybe he will join us.

It's their own drama. It has nothing to do with the people around them, even though it affects you.

Its not that they get pleasure, not the kind that you are thinking of anyway. It's that deep down they are so miserable that they take it out with anger and contempt against loved ones. They think of themselves as bad people and they in some sick way have to act the part.

I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 5 years.
When he's sober he is the kindest, gentlest man you would ever want to know. But, when he's drinking he is the most verbally abusive, unkindest, hurtful person I have ever had the misfortune to meet.
He often tells me that I have asked him to leave (not the case at all) but he truly believes that I want him to go.
It is a case of the alcoholic trying to make the other person feel guilty about the situation and the other person as miserable as they are.
He does not discuss the night before or just ignores my questions. I know I am in a hopeless situation of domestic violence but should I add he has never hurt me physically. It's all emotional and psychological.

alcoholism is a disease.Try to get them to AA if they won't go you need to go to alanon

no we make bad decisions when out on the piss and we blow things out of proportion

the person doing the drinking will try to hurt you because they dont feel like they deserve love so they try to get you to leave and then it will be "your fault" that the relationship didnt work out.try going to al-anon meetings and get a grip on your feelings so when the drinker gets on your case, you can know that its not the person doing the talking, its the booze.

and the same is true of the alcoholics...this is why it all started with the first drink:
Why do we do this? We hurt the one we love for several reasons:

1) Unconscious re-creation of emotional trauma - we all experience various degrees of emotional hurt and trauma growing up. Unfortunately, we form part of our identities around whatever we experience, be it love, distance, drama, or verbal or physical abuse. As adults, we may feel most alive or most like ourselves when we are feeling the same way we did as children, and so we may do things unconsciously to get our partner to trigger those feelings. For example, a person who grew up with a lot of distance may feel uncomfortable with closeness, and may sabotage it by picking fights or avoiding intimacy. Or a person who grew up in a chaotic, dramatic home may be uncomfortable with harmony and quiet and always seem to trigger chaos or drama in their relationships.

Also, as adults, our fantasy is that we will find a person who will finally give us the love we never got as children. If we can’t get the love from our original parent or caretaker, the next best thing is to get the love from someone who has a very similar personality to the person we originally feel wounded by. We’ll generally feel a lot of attraction, chemistry and intensity in our love with such adult partners, due to the interlocking nature of our emotional baggage.

But what we may not realize though, is that this person that we fall in love has the perfect tools and personality to emotionally re-create our childhood hurts. After the initial infatuation wears off and we are in a deeper, committed relationship, their fears (and ours) often get activated. And when they get afraid, they will strike out in exactly the same way that our parents or caretakers did. The result? We get wounded again. Only now it’s worse, because the very person who we hoped could give us the love we never got, is hurting us. Not because they ‘love us most of all’, but because they are unaware of their own unconscious defenses.

2) We lack the knowledge and skills of how to communicate our feelings constructively - many people may realize how they hurt their partners, and feel like they want to change that behavior, but simply not know how to change, or how to communicate what they are feeling in a constructive manner. Our culture does very little to teach us how to relate to our own feelings, and how to communicate those feelings to others in a safe, healthy way. Men especially may feel uncomfortable dealing with feelings of fear or vulnerability and may feel safer expressing anger or control when they are really scared.

So what can we do to stop hurting the one we love? We all have to take responsibility for getting clear and resolving our own emotional hurts from the past. We need to learn how to make it safe for our partners to express how they feel. We need to learn how to create a loving presence where we genuinely listen and validate our partners’ experience. We need to learn how to express feelings in ways that bring us closer, not in ways that create more distance and hurt. We may need to do some work together to understand how and why we trigger each other to lash out in hurtful and destructive ways. We need to respect the fact that in an intimate committed relationship, we have access to the most private and vulnerable aspects of each other’s lives. We need to treat that as a sacred privilege that we relate to with the utmost respect, not as an entitlement to trample upon for our own ego gratification.

We are all on a journey of awakening, and intimate relationships provide us with a powerful opportunity to see ourselves and our psychological and spiritual lessons more clearly. We can hide from ourselves, from our therapists, from our bodies, from our spiritual teachers and from our friends, but we cannot hide from the one we love and who loves us. All of our stuff will eventually come to light through this mysterious and wonderful process we call love. And when it does, we can choose to defend, judge, attack and run away. Or we can choose to be present, to look inside with acceptance and love for ourselves, and to feel gratitude that this aspect of ourselves has revealed itself. Then can we clearly see that any part of ourselves that hurts others is simply a part of ourselves that needs more love. From this perspective, we hurt the one we love so that we can learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally, more deeply, and more completely. And by loving and healing ourselves, we ultimately heal our partners’ wounds as well, because we make it safer for them to fully be who they are, and to experience the deeper Oneness and magic that only love can bring to our lives.

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